Follow up: That time I went outside my comfort zone and SHIT got done!

Only read this if you read my previous post on the sexist, archaic assignment that was sent home with my 5th grade daughter a few weeks ago.  Well, I guess you can read this even if you didn't read that other one, but it won't make much sense. 

Anyhoo, after I wrote to the principal about my concerns a note was sent home a few days later (on fluorescent orange paper, mind you).

It says: blah blah blah..."respond to confusion" blah blah blah..."will not be awarding points for being dressed up on picture day"...blah blah blah some crap about how "In the past, expecting grade 5 students to be role models has proven extremely successful in motivating the students to be their best not just as a leader of (school name deleted) but in middle school and high school as well and hopefully as they leave for future endeavors after their careers as a (town name deleted) student. (Holy run-on sentence, and what does wearing a dress have to do with being a role model, but I should just shut up and be grateful that the assignment was changed.)  Then there was more stuff that's totally irrelevant to the issue, but was put in to make the gym teacher feel better about her creating and supporting the original assignment.  Great.

Is it the perfect response?  No.  Is it good enough for me?  Sure.  The assignment was horrible in many, many ways and now it doesn't exist anymore.  Mission accomplished.

To Be Filed Under "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME": That time I stood up for what I believed in, even though it meant going outside my comfort zone

Today I went through my daughter's backpack and took out all the crumpled pieces of paper stuffed in the bottom.  Among them were some ads for local voice lessons, a form to join the PTO, and a Phys Ed homework assignment.  

In case you can't read it, here's what it says:

blah blah blah..."Picture Day"...blah blah "role model and leader"...blah blah blah..."Plan ahead what to wear"...blah blah blah "Girls who wear a skirt or a dress will earn 25 points" ...blah blah blah "Girls and boys who wear nice pants and a collar shirt will earn 15 points"...blah blah blah...

WAIT, WHAT????  I had to read it again to make sure I fully understood what was written.  Yup, I got it.   And I was fucking horrified.  I immediately thought that I needed to address it in some way.  But then I thought about what that would look like.  Despite what people think of me, I am not someone who is comfortable with creating conflict.  I have often kept my mouth shut for the sake of being liked and viewed as someone who is easy to get along with.  There have been many times I've been put off by something that goes on, but I usually just let it go so as to not "rock the boat". This is especially true when it comes to my daughter's school experiences.  I don't want to be one of "those" parents.  In this case, my own kid wouldn't have been affected as she freaking loves to put on skirts and dresses.  So, why not keep my horror to myself and just let this one go?  I'll tell you why, because now that I've been studying social work I realize the importance of raising your voice when something is unjust.  I'm learning to accept the fact that it may mean that not everyone likes me, but that I can feel good about myself and my ability to speak up against things that aren't fair.  So, I decided to send a message to the principal of my daughter's school. 

What I felt like writing:

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT?  YOU'RE SAYING THAT MY KID HAS TO WEAR A DRESS TO GET EXTRA CREDIT???  IT'S 20FUCKING15 YOU ASSHOLES!  I FEEL LIKE PUKING FROM HOW SEXIST AND INAPPROPRIATE THIS IS. YOU SUCK!

What I actually wrote:

 Good morning, Mrs. (Name Deleted To Protect Identity in Case This Post Goes Viral),

Please know that I am not someone who ever feels the need to write to the principal of my daughter's school.  This is the first time I've done so in the 6 years (My Beautiful, Perfect Child Who Shall Remain Nameless In Case Post Goes Viral) has attended (School Name Deleted In Case Post Goes Viral).  I am a fairly laid-back parent who trusts the teachers and administrators to do right by the children in their care.  However, I could not ignore the absolute horror I felt when I read the homework assignment sent home with my child this week.  I'm not sure if you are aware, but the 5th grade Phys Ed assignment includes a section on rewarding the children for dressing "for success" on picture day.  I don't take issue with that, as I agree that it's essential for children to learn that presentation is an important part of being taken seriously.  However, the assignment then goes on to say that " Girls who wear a skirt or a dress will earn 25 points" but "Girls who wear nice pants and a collar shirt will earn 15 points".  This is an enormous concern for me.  The notion that girls should wear dresses is archaic and detrimental to a young girl's ability to express her individuality.  It also sends the message that a girls' worth is wrapped up in how pretty she looks.  That is just not ok.  I'm also completely appalled that an educator thinks it's appropriate to reward a child for conforming to social norms.  In this day and age when we encourage and support people to be true to themselves I find it disgusting that a child should be penalized for doing so.  Surely, you realize that not all girls are comfortable in dresses, and I personally know many, many woman who are extremely successful who have never even put one on.  I'm sure you do as well.

Clearly, I feel quite passionately about this issue.  I think it's important to point out that my own child happens to love wearing dresses and had planned on wearing one on picture day even before the assignment was given. So really, it would have been easier to turn a blind eye to this matter.  However as a parent, I am committed to showing my daughter that standing up for what you believe in, even if it's not something that directly affects you, is a vital part of being a good person. As a social worker and an educator I think it's critical to instill tolerance in children.  I've done my best to raise my daughter to be accepting of differences and I'm saddened that her school is not supporting that message. 

I do hope something will be done to rectify this situation.

Respectfully,

Kerry (Last Name Deleted...You Know Why Already)

Pretty good, right?  I feel I was able to convey my concerns in a way that was level-headed and mature (although I did giggle when I wrote "rectify" tee-hee).   I felt sick to my stomach as I waited for a response, and fortunately it didn't take long.  Here is what I received 36 minutes after I sent my message:

Hi Mrs. (Gorgeous Mother),

Thank you for your email sharing your concerns about the PE homework assignment. I will be speaking with Ms. (Inappropriate Gym Teacher and Mr. (Other Gym Teacher) as soon as I return to the building this afternoon.  I will connect with you once I have more information.

Thank you again for bringing this to my attention,

(Principal No-name)

The nausea subsided a bit, but there was still so much left unsaid that I couldn't help but feel anxious.  Now, in some weird twist of fate I got a call about an hour later from the school nurse and I ended up having to go in to pick her up (don't worry, she's fine).  And when I got there the gym teacher who created assignment was STANDING OUTSIDE watching the 3rd graders run laps around the school.  It took every ounce of my strength to get out of the car as suddenly I reverted to my 8th grade, insecure self.  Then I reminded myself that she maybe  a) didn't know who the hell I am b) know about the message yet c) have any desire to talk to me about it.  I managed to get in the school without her saying anything to me.  PHEW.  On my way out however, she came over to me and asked if I was willing to talk (right in front of my child, mind you, which is totally uncool).  I sent daughter to the car and chatted with the teacher.  I'm not going to restate everything that was said, but she did say they were planning on changing the assignment to better reflect the changing times.  She then went on to scold me for going directly to the principal instead of to her (honestly that never even occurred to me, although I probably should have considered including her in the original message) and that she was going to be "read the riot act" because of what I did. She also made sure to mention that she has been sending home that same assignment for 25 years (well, HELLO?????) and that no other parent had ever complained.  I felt like a foolish child and wanted to cry, but managed to keep my composure and explain to her that it wasn't my intention to get her in trouble.  My concerns were valid and I reached out to the principal because I thought it was important that she know about them.  I walked away from that conversation feeling bullied, but proud that I stood my ground.  Now I'm worried that she hates me, but that's my own issue for another blog.  

But wait, there's more...

I couldn't just let it end there.  I sent a follow-up message to the principal.  Here it is:

Hi Mrs. (Insert Clever Name Here),

Thank you for addressing my concerns.  As it turns out I was at the school earlier picking up (Beautiful Daughter) and Ms. (Gym Teacher) took the time to speak with me.  I'm glad to hear that the assignment will be changed and that all children who make efforts to dress nicely will be rewarded equally. 

She also expressed her disappointment in my going directly to you with my concerns and that made me feel awful.   It was never my intention to get anyone in trouble, but I thought it was important that the principal of the school know about my concerns.  I hope we can all agree that ultimately what matters most is that the children are all treated fairly despite their clothing preference.

Thank you again for taking quick action.

And now I'm done.  I think.  Lesson of the story:  Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means you won't be popular.  Liking yourself is way more important than anyone else liking you.  (Now, I'll just need to repeat that until I believe it.)

Please, weigh in with your thoughts.  I think I was totally on point in my concerns although I'm sure not every parent would agree.  As a social worker I'm finding my way and attempting to be able to express issues in a way that doesn't alienate or offend others.  I realize that won't always be possible, but it's definitely something to strive for.

 

I lie to my kid and I highly recommend it.

Today was my daughter's first day of 5th grade.  Typically she likes to sleep late, but today she woke up early with a giant smile on her face.  She dressed herself in her special first day of school outfit, did her own hair, and admired herself in the mirror for a while.  She skipped breakfast out of pure excitement and headed to the bus stop with a skip in her step and her new backpack hung off one shoulder.  While waiting for the bus she danced and posed for pictures with the other kids there.  When the bus arrived she confidentially got on with her head held high and a huge grin.  All the while I was fighting back tears and the urge to grab her and say "NO, don't go!"  When I came home I spent a long time looking through the pictures I had taken and thinking about the events of the morning.  I felt so grateful that my child had such a positive attitude on what could be considered a somewhat nerve-wracking situation and then I realized...it's because I've been lying to her all summer! 

Ok, so maybe not out and out lying, but I've been hiding the truth from her...well, MY truth anyway.  I've never once told her how sad I am that she's going into her last year of elementary school.  Or that I'm anxious that she won't be able to find a seat on the bus, or at lunch, or  be able to keep up with homework, or stand up for herself against the "mean girls". She has no inkling that I worry that some boy won't like her back and she will suffer her first heartbreak.  I never let on that I'm going to miss having her stay up late with me and cuddle on the couch while watching Project Runway or Rupaul's Drag Race, and that I'm REALLY going to miss letting her sleep in until 10:00 each morning.  Instead we spent lots of time over the past couple of months celebrating this milestone.  We giggled as she struck model poses while we shopped for clothing that fits in with her "new me" style.  We went out for ice cream where I shared stories of the wonderful experiences I had in my 5th grade year,  "You're going to RULE THE SCHOOL!"  I kept telling her.  I surrounded her with love and support and kept my own anxieties and negative feelings hidden from her.  Today I realized what a gift my lying has been to her.

As someone who is strongly committed to an "honesty is best" lifestyle, I struggled to accept that purposely keeping the truth from my child is the right approach.  I also firmly believe that feelings should be shared, not repressed. But, as I looked through the photos of her smiling face and confident manner from this morning I was reassured that I'm making the right choices.  As I analyze this, I can't help but think back to my own childhood.  It's difficult for me to make any disparaging remarks about my mother because I consider her to have been an amazing parent and she tragically died when I was only 25.  However, I now recognize that I carried around a lot of anxiety as a direct result of her inability to hide her feelings from me.  When she worried (which was often) she let me know.  She'd say things like, "Kerry Lynne, I would just die if anything bad happened to you."  That's a lot of pressure to put on a child!  She had me scared of being kidnapped, raped, lost at the mall, run over by a truck, struck by lightning, bitten by a dog, or given an apple with a razor in it on Halloween.  I'm not sure if she was unable to keep her feelings hidden or if she just chose not to, and I can't ask her now, but either way it was a lot to handle for my little mind.  I don't want to do that to my child.  I don't want to put my angst onto her.  I want to giver her a chance to become a positive, secure, confident human being.  Now, this isn't to say that when she comes to me and is sad, scared, or worried that I will not console her and let her know that I understand, but I'm not going to give her my sadness, fear, or worry.  I'll save that to share on facebook.

Why Facebook is Ruining My Life. (AKA: why I'll be taking a break from social media)

I'm a facebook addict.  I haven't actually kept track, but my best guess is that I spend upwards of 8 hours a day on there.  I joined in 2008 so that's about 20,000 hours of my life so far.  Sometimes I'll have it up on my phone and my computer at the same time.  I check it first thing when I wake up and last thing before I got to bed.  I check at every meal, while watching tv, at red lights, in traffic, and while on the toilet.  My thoughts come in the form of status updates and every picture I take is for the sole purpose of sharing on there.  I don't experience anything in life anymore that I don't consider sharing with 335 "friends".  And although all that is plenty of reason to get off of there, none of that is why I will actually be taking a break.  Here are the reasons:

1) I miss connecting with people.  I know, I know, what better way to connect with people than to share intimate details of your life with hundreds of them?  And to read their stories, see their meals, watch videos of their kids dance recitals?! Truth, facebook has provided a way to connect to so many people that I never would have been in touch with otherwise.  Yes, it's allowed me to regain contact with old schoolmates/theater friends/bosses/babysitters.  Here's the issue: it's all so superficial.  I may know what you had for breakfast, but do I know how you are feeling that morning?  Great, you got a new job, do I know how it's going for you?  Facebook posting has replaced conversations.  You THINK you know someone, but all you know is what they are willing to post.  I don't want to accept that as enough.  I want to know the real you, not the one that you are presenting for all the (facebook) world to see.  I want to spend time on the phone with you, checking in to hear about your day.  I want to exchange long emails.  I want to dig deeper than what you are putting out there on facebook.  Also, I don't want to see pictures of your food.  Ever.

2) Most of the time spent on facebook results in my feeling like shit about my own life.  This one is  multi-faceted so I'll break it down:
2a) My husband doesn't love me enough.  So many couples are on there posting about their unyielding love for each other.  They can't say enough about how beautiful, amazing, smart, talented, perfect-in-every-way their partner is.  What better way to express your love than to announce it to everyone you know?  I'm not even being snarky.  I truly believe that's a great way to show you love someone.  However, I'm married to someone who does not subscribe to that same concept.  He is private.  He loves me privately.  In his mind he loves me equally to those who are so open about it, maybe even more.  After all, how can posting about the amazing time you are having on date night be an accurate reflection of how amazing it really is? Wouldn't you be so engrossed and involved in the date that posting about it would detract from the amazingness (my husband's thoughts, not wrong, but not mine).
2b) You are having so much fucking fun and I wasn't invited.  This is definitely one of my least favorite aspects of facebook.  Your friends openly post about how excited they are about an event, you get to see pictures of them having the best fucking time ever, and then you get to read about how great it was and how sad they are that it's over.  Yet, you blatantly weren't ever told about it. You had this weird stalker, voyeuristic experience of the whole thing.  Gone are the days of trying to prevent hurting other people's feelings.  Nowadays, everyone is out there publicly showing off their exclusion with no shame or concern for how other people may feel.  I've, literally, lost friendships over this.  It just plain sucks.
2c) You got cast in a show and I didn't (or you got nominated for an award and I didn't).  This only applies to my theater friends, but that makes up about 80% of my facebook friends so it's a major issue.  Even better when I find out that you got cast and I didn't by reading about it on facebook.  Yay!  I suck and you're awesome!
2d) You are prettier/skinnier/tanner/younger than I am.  Great. Your kids are also smarter/more talented/cuter than mine.  Even better.

3) The pressure to be funny/insightful/witty/riveting.  It's intense.  If I don't get enough "likes" or comments I feel like I'm letting people down.  Or even worse, that people just don't like me.  Yes, I realize this is not a healthy approach at life, but it's my reality. 

4) Surely there are better things I could be doing with my time.  I'm not saying I could discover the cure for cancer with those extra 8 hours a day, but I could certainly find some more productive uses of my time.  I openly admit that sometimes mindless scrolling on facebook is a great way to relax, but any more than an hour or so a day is excessive. 

5) If I see another fucking Minion meme I might gouge out my eyeballs with a fork.  

So, there you have it.  All the reasons why I'm planning on taking a facebook hiatus.  I don't feel the need to put any strict rules in place in terms of how long I'll be off, or how often I'll just check without writing anything.   I just plan on posting on it less in an effort to develop deeper connections, and reading it less in an effort to feel better about my life, alleviate some stress and contribute to society in a more meaningful way.  It's certain to be a challenge, but I think the results will be worth it.  If not, I'll be back sooner than later.  And that's ok.  I'll post a Minion meme that expresses how much I missed it and jump right back in.

 

"That's What Friends are For": A post on friendship.

I have really struggled with the concept of "friendship" in recent years.  As someone who was fairly popular in my childhood and throughout my 20s and early 30s it has been a shock to my system (and my ego) that I now often find myself with nobody to connect to.  I used to spend my time surrounded by people who made me feel loved and valued.  I had friends that I knew I could count on should I ever need them. Friends who spent hours on the phone with me when I was happy, or sad, or just needing to chat.  Friends who sought me out as someone with whom they wanted to spend time with. Friends who shared recipes, inside jokes, and deep secrets. Now I can't even think of one person I would feel comfortable calling in an emergency.  How the fuck did I get here? 

Anyone who reads my facebook posts knows that I can't seem to figure out how to find/make/keep friends these days.  Ok, so I can usually find and make them, but keeping them has proven to be challenging.  I have this pattern of finding a friend, getting super close to them, then somehow having the relationship crash and burn.  It's caused me to question a lot about myself and what my definition of friendship is. Do I expect too much from a friend?  Do I make unreasonable demands?  Do I smell?   What's most bizarre is that when I think back to the times when I was most popular, I was not a great friend myself.  Yet, now that I've grown and matured and am someone who is willing to give so much of myself to a friendship, nobody seems to want to take it.  Wait, that's not true.  People are willing to take it, but just not seemingly willing to give anything in return.  And THIS is where the problem lies.  I know that you aren't supposed to give just to receive, but I've decided that mantra doesn't apply to friendships.  I think if you give in a friendship, then you should expect and demand that you receive.  Is that selfish?  I don't think so.  It would be selfish if you gave nothing and expected anything in return.  Of course, things get sort of murky when you think about how to place value on what each person gives and takes.   But the beauty of genuine friendship is that there doesn't have to be a tit for tat mentality.  It's a shared sense that each person gives and takes in a way that makes the other person feel good.  If I am the one who is consistently reaching out and the only time we connect is when I do so, it's not a good friendship.  If I am the one who is always asking to get together and you are always too busy, or even worse, you make then cancel plans on a regular basis, it's not a good friendship.  If you repeatedly promise me you are going to do something and never do, it's not a good friendship.  Sadly, these are the experiences I have been having recently.  And if that means my demands are too high, then so be it.  I'd rather have no friends then a lot who consistently hurt me.

Look, I get that life happens.  People get married, have kids, work jobs, etc.  But my kind of friend makes time to connect.  My kind of friend values the joy that comes from knowing there is someone out there who is dealing with all those things yet still finds time to let you know they are thinking of you.  I haven't always been a good friend, but now I think I'm one of the best you can have, but I'm no longer willing to be one if you are not.  And perhaps that is why I feel friendless these days. 
 
Also, Facebook destroys relationships.  Which is why I'm hell bent on getting off of there for a while.  Stay tuned for my blog post on that...

Won't you take me to Funkytown. Depression sucks.

It has happened.  I am officially in a "funk".  For anyone that hasn't experienced this let me do my best to describe it to you:

You can't seem to stop crying, and when you do, you don't feel any better, you just feel like crying some more.  Getting out of bed is a legit struggle. What's the point?  Eating is pointless too since you feel like barfing.  Personal hygiene is completely overlooked.  Who cares if you smell.  Life sucks anyway.  You have no friends so what does it matter?  Nobody likes me.  I miss my mom.  Nobody cares about me.  Why do I need anyone to care about me?  What's wrong with me?  Why do I care who cares about me???  Why can't I be more independent?  Why am I so needy?  No wonder nobody likes me, I'm so needy!  Let's cry some more.  Now I have a headache.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.

Seriously, it's awful.  Plus there's the shame that comes with it.  The guilt because I know my life could be SO MUCH WORSE so I shouldn't feel so badly.  But I do.  I can't help it.  I feel bad.  I feel sad.  I feel lonely and anxious and scared.  Scared that I will never feel better.  Yes, I have so much going for me.  I have my health.  A house, food (even though I don't want any), transportation, a full head of hair, a husband, a beautiful, healthy daughter, supportive family members and 326 facebook friends (please note I just looked that up and didn't just know the number off the top of my head).  I am grateful for all of these things, yet I am still too sad to function today.

There are some things going on in my life that I'm not going to share here (maybe in another post at some point), but none of them would seem major enough to warrant this type of response from my emotional being.  My point is this: we can't always control our emotions (actually I can NEVER control mine).  We can't always psych ourselves up when our psyche is down (oh, that's a good one!).  For those of you that HAVE experienced this before I'm here to tell you that you are not alone.   It doesn't make you weak, or pathetic, or broken.  And for the fortunate ones who have no idea what I'm referring to, I implore you to please be kind to anyone you know who may be going through this.  They can't help it.  Honestly, if they could they would.  Nobody WANTS to lay in bed in a pool of their own tears, drool, and sweat while contemplating never standing up again.

How I wish I had suggestions for how to get out of Funkytown.  In my past experiences the dread and hopelessness have usually passed on their own after a few days.  Sometimes pharmaceutical intervention has been required.  Mostly what's helped is knowing that I have to get up to take care of my little girl.  I'm usually able to get back into the swing of things because I'm solely responsible for the well-being of another human being.  Then it's just a matter of faking it 'til I make it.  Today I have nothing to do until I pick her up from camp at 4:30.  I had planned on being productive.  Doing laundry, cleaning the house, organizing closets.  But that's not going to happen.  I feel another big cry coming on. 

It's only been 5 years...

since my last post.  Not much has changed.  Ha.  I kid.  LOTS has changed, but I don't want to get into that now.  I'm back because I've recently figured out that I use facebook as a blog.  Although that works well for me I'm aware that it doesn't work well for many of the 300+ "friends" I have on there.  I figured I'd get back to actual blogging so I don't feel so guilty about putting all my shit out there on social media.  The fact that I carry any guilt over that is a totally separate issue that I may, or may not, address in another blog post.  BUT today I'm on here to post about attention.  As I've been thinking about it a lot recently.  I've often been referred to as an "attention whore", which I'm pretty sure isn't meant as a compliment.  Facebook is an attention whore's wet dream.  I put something up there, hundreds of people see it and respond.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat and so on...god, I freaking love it!  However, sometimes I'll read someone else's post and think "ugh, they are just crying out for attention" and purposefully ignore the post (if that's such a thing).  Apparenlty, I'm a hypocritical attention whore.  Now that I'm more self-aware I am committed to paying attention to those who need it as I have benefited from the kind souls who give me the attention I am ever-craving.  Here is what I posted on facebook today (before I started to blog again):

As a society, why do we have such a negative response to someone wanting attention? Even worse should they "need" it. We are taught that we should ignore children's attempts at getting our attention because we don't want to encourage them to keep trying to get it? How often have you heard a parent dismiss a child's cries with "He is only doing it to get attention". Well, what the fuck does that tell you????? Does anyone else realize how ridiculous that is? By the time we get to adulthood we view people who crave attention as desperate and pathetic. How sad.
Why not encourage people to reach out when they feel like they could use some extra attention? And why not gladly give it to them instead of rolling our eyes and making them feel badly for wanting it? In this day and age it's virtually effortless to do so. A few words of encouragement, an emoticon, even a simple click of a mouse to "like" a post can go a long way to help fill a void in someone's life.
I don't want to feel ashamed that I feel good when people pay attention to me and I am committed to providing attention to anyone who shows me that they need it.

Good, right?  Someday I'm hoping some shit I wrote will go viral.  I have lots of good stuff to say and I'm looking forward to having the "appropriate" place to say it.