I auditioned for Curtains on July 25th. I attended call-backs on July 27th. I was ecstatic when I was cast as Georgia on July 28th. I was diagnosed with vocal nodules on August 31. I told the director and asked if he wanted me to step down from my leading role. He said "no" and reassured me that he was confident in my ability to play the part despite the obstacles. He then came back to me a week later and suggested we put an understudy in place "just in case". I completely understood his concern and went along with it. I'm not going to lie and say that I was happy about the idea, but I understood that he needed to do what was best for the show. That was in mid-September. There was no mention of who my understudy was. About a week later I asked if he had chosen someone. He informed me that he had, but he didn't want to tell me who it was. He thought it would be best if I didn't know. I asked if he were planning on telling the rest of the cast. No, he wasn't. The cast wouldn't even know there was an understudy in place. I didn't think that was the best approach, as I much rather things be out in the open, but truthfully it made me feel better about the whole situation. I mean, clearly they didn't think an understudy would be utilized if they weren't even telling the cast about her, right? During this whole time I had begun going to vocal therapy twice a week and had completely re-learned how to use my voice to help heal the nodules. The show was opening on early November. On October 12 my doctor praised my progress and told me I would be fine to perform in the 4 shows. She did recommend that I continue to go easy on my voice until showtime. I shared this with the production team and was met with lukewarm results. I was elated and expected them to feel the same way. I sang full-out at a Thursday rehearsal then asked if I could pull back on the next Sunday. They assured me that would be no problem. So I did the full run through and sang everything but my one big, belting song. I just lip-synched that one. That Monday I called the director to talk. I was feeling really good about my performance at the rehearsals and wanted to make sure he did as well. I asked what had been going on with the understudy. Apparently, she had been "watching from the sidelines" this entire time and would be ready to go on for me at any point. I asked my director if he had confidence in my ability to do the show and discovered that he didn't. He said he was concerned I'd "blow out my voice during tech week". and that she'd need to step in. That wasn't exactly the kind of response I was expecting or seeking. I asked him if there would be any point where he'd be willing to commit to letting me do the show and he said "no". So, essentially he was thinking of letting me get all the way through the rehearsal process and then replacing me come showtime. It didn't seem fair that there was this person lurking in the background watching my every move. And that put so much pressure on me! Any wrong note or misstep could get me replaced?! This is community theater, I do it for fun. And this scenario was not fun. I was hysterical over that and told him I couldn't work under those conditions and we needed to figure out a way to make it work for everyone. I said I couldn't possibly continue to rehearse this way. If he really thought he was going to use an understudy why didn't he just put her in now? Why make me continue to rehearse and bond with the cast only to replace me at the last minute?? (I realize now, this was my downfall.) He asked me to take the evening to think about everything before I made a rash decision. I agreed to that as I have a tendency to let emotions rule my brain. An hour later I had calmed down and called him to try and work through the issue. He didn't answer. I proceeded to call/text throughout the night. During that time one of my fellow castmates wrote to me asking about the "urgent meeting" that had been scheduled. Well, I never got the invitation to that meeting so I went into full-on panic mode. I called the director again to find out what the hell was happening. Still no answer. I called the producer to see if she could tell me what was going on. She stated she had "no idea about any meeting" and that she would look into it and call me back. (The show opened 2 days ago and I'm still waiting for that phone call.) That was the evening of Monday, October 18th. On the next morning I received a very brief, incredibly cold message from the director, It said:
In our conversation from yesterday I told you that I would give you the evening to think your decision to leave the show through. Though you deemed that unnecessary, I am glad that I have had the evening to consider the situation in full. I have had to make a very hard decision That is in the best interest of the show.
At this point in time, I think it is in the best interest of you personally and in the interest of the show to part company.
He then went on to say that a comp ticket would be available for me (how nice, right?). I was beyond crushed. In retrospect I see where I made mistakes. I will be the first to admit that I shouldn't have been so hysterical and emotional during our phone call. What I haven't mentioned yet is that the director was one of my closest friends. I felt safe sharing my real feelings with him. I wish I had the good sense to separate our friendship from our director/cast relationship. It's just that he knows me! He knows that I would have never stepped onto that stage if I wasn't able to be amazing. Nobody cares more about my performance than I do!! I was completely confident in my ability to rock this part. I just wanted him to have that same confidence in me. And when he didn't, I was really hurt. I should have called someone else to vent about the situation. I see that now.
Anyway, over the past 2 weeks I have had time to heal. I will never fully get over the pain that the situation caused. I feel cheated, betrayed and sad. But I really wanted to come out of this feeling like I did the right thing. The show opened on Friday. I left a status update wishing the entire cast "Good luck". I then had this email exchange with the director:
Is the comp ticket offer still on the table. I think I would like to see my friends in the show.
-Kerry
Just let me know which night you'd like to attend and I'll set a ticket aside.
Hope you're well.
Saturday the 6th is the only show I can attend. I hope that works out with the tickets. Please don't share that I will be attending.
-Kerry
I'll let (ticket person) know tonight.
I won't inform anyone.
Take care.
So, as it gets closer to "showtime" I'm having second thoughts about going. I really want to, but I'm just not sure I'll be able to actually go through with it. Is there any way I can let you know by Saturday afternoon?
-Kerry
There will be a ticket under your name, weather you use it or not is completely your call.
I can totally understand why you would have mixed feelings, but the ticket is there.
I went back and forth about going right up until the point where I pulled into the parking lot of the venue. I took one last deep breath and just walked in. Upon arrival I ran into a friend who was ushering. She gave me a big hug and I whispered in her ear "I don't know if I can do this." She reassured me that I could. One of the castmates was there chatting with her so I asked him escort me to the dressing rooms so I could say "Hi." and "Good luck" to everyone. As we're walking down the hallway, the director comes running up to us. He looks right at me and says (and these words will be etched into my brain forever) "CAST AND CREW ONLY." I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach with steel-toed boots. There I was, trying to be the bigger person and clinging to the one connection I still had with the production. I had attended rehearsals 3 times a week for over 3 months. I had memorized all the lines, learned all the songs and dances. I had painted the sets, and raised over $200 in ads. I had created a lengthy back-story for my character and helped others do the same. I loved everything about being Georgia and had never put so much into a part as I did with this one. I had been unwillingly removed from the show after all that and STILL had the strength to go and show my support. And that's what he said to me. "Cast and crew only." I was in a complete state of shock. And then I lost it. All the pain and humiliation came up. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I honestly don't remember how I even walked away from him. I ended up in the lobby with my hands covering my face and shaking. And then a cast member who saw the whole exchange came running out to me and took me outside. He held me as I cried and said all the right things. I honestly don't know what I would have done if he hadn't come and rescued me. When he had calmed me down I went to my car. Where I proceeded to relive the encounter over and over again in my car and lose it once again. I tried calling people, but nobody was available. I was sitting in my car in the parking lot and I felt so alone, and small, and broken. I desperately wanted to talk to my mother. It was a real low-point for me. Eventually I got in touch with a few friends and they were able to get me calm enough where I could actually drive home. I got home and cried some more. Then I took a tylenol pm and passed out around 10:30. This morning I feel better. I mean, it's all over. Well, now that this is all out there it is anyway. I can't tell you how therapeutic this has been for me. I mean, I don't even care if anybody reads this. I needed to put it out there. I'm still trying to figure out what the lesson is here. I mean, just looking at it I would say "Being the bigger person sucks." But surely that can't be right. Maybe the lesson is "Being the bigger person doesn't always turn out the way you would hope, but it sure does make you feel good about yourself." Or maybe there is no lesson. That's the lesson. "Sometimes things just suck." And you know what? That's ok. And I'm ok too.
