I'm a facebook addict. I haven't actually kept track, but my best guess is that I spend upwards of 8 hours a day on there. I joined in 2008 so that's about 20,000 hours of my life so far. Sometimes I'll have it up on my phone and my computer at the same time. I check it first thing when I wake up and last thing before I got to bed. I check at every meal, while watching tv, at red lights, in traffic, and while on the toilet. My thoughts come in the form of status updates and every picture I take is for the sole purpose of sharing on there. I don't experience anything in life anymore that I don't consider sharing with 335 "friends". And although all that is plenty of reason to get off of there, none of that is why I will actually be taking a break. Here are the reasons:
1) I miss connecting with people. I know, I know, what better way to connect with people than to share intimate details of your life with hundreds of them? And to read their stories, see their meals, watch videos of their kids dance recitals?! Truth, facebook has provided a way to connect to so many people that I never would have been in touch with otherwise. Yes, it's allowed me to regain contact with old schoolmates/theater friends/bosses/babysitters. Here's the issue: it's all so superficial. I may know what you had for breakfast, but do I know how you are feeling that morning? Great, you got a new job, do I know how it's going for you? Facebook posting has replaced conversations. You THINK you know someone, but all you know is what they are willing to post. I don't want to accept that as enough. I want to know the real you, not the one that you are presenting for all the (facebook) world to see. I want to spend time on the phone with you, checking in to hear about your day. I want to exchange long emails. I want to dig deeper than what you are putting out there on facebook. Also, I don't want to see pictures of your food. Ever.
2) Most of the time spent on facebook results in my feeling like shit about my own life. This one is multi-faceted so I'll break it down:
2a) My husband doesn't love me enough. So many couples are on there posting about their unyielding love for each other. They can't say enough about how beautiful, amazing, smart, talented, perfect-in-every-way their partner is. What better way to express your love than to announce it to everyone you know? I'm not even being snarky. I truly believe that's a great way to show you love someone. However, I'm married to someone who does not subscribe to that same concept. He is private. He loves me privately. In his mind he loves me equally to those who are so open about it, maybe even more. After all, how can posting about the amazing time you are having on date night be an accurate reflection of how amazing it really is? Wouldn't you be so engrossed and involved in the date that posting about it would detract from the amazingness (my husband's thoughts, not wrong, but not mine).
2b) You are having so much fucking fun and I wasn't invited. This is definitely one of my least favorite aspects of facebook. Your friends openly post about how excited they are about an event, you get to see pictures of them having the best fucking time ever, and then you get to read about how great it was and how sad they are that it's over. Yet, you blatantly weren't ever told about it. You had this weird stalker, voyeuristic experience of the whole thing. Gone are the days of trying to prevent hurting other people's feelings. Nowadays, everyone is out there publicly showing off their exclusion with no shame or concern for how other people may feel. I've, literally, lost friendships over this. It just plain sucks.
2c) You got cast in a show and I didn't (or you got nominated for an award and I didn't). This only applies to my theater friends, but that makes up about 80% of my facebook friends so it's a major issue. Even better when I find out that you got cast and I didn't by reading about it on facebook. Yay! I suck and you're awesome!
2d) You are prettier/skinnier/tanner/younger than I am. Great. Your kids are also smarter/more talented/cuter than mine. Even better.
3) The pressure to be funny/insightful/witty/riveting. It's intense. If I don't get enough "likes" or comments I feel like I'm letting people down. Or even worse, that people just don't like me. Yes, I realize this is not a healthy approach at life, but it's my reality.
4) Surely there are better things I could be doing with my time. I'm not saying I could discover the cure for cancer with those extra 8 hours a day, but I could certainly find some more productive uses of my time. I openly admit that sometimes mindless scrolling on facebook is a great way to relax, but any more than an hour or so a day is excessive.
5) If I see another fucking Minion meme I might gouge out my eyeballs with a fork.
So, there you have it. All the reasons why I'm planning on taking a facebook hiatus. I don't feel the need to put any strict rules in place in terms of how long I'll be off, or how often I'll just check without writing anything. I just plan on posting on it less in an effort to develop deeper connections, and reading it less in an effort to feel better about my life, alleviate some stress and contribute to society in a more meaningful way. It's certain to be a challenge, but I think the results will be worth it. If not, I'll be back sooner than later. And that's ok. I'll post a Minion meme that expresses how much I missed it and jump right back in.
Monday, July 20, 2015
"That's What Friends are For": A post on friendship.
I have really struggled with the concept of "friendship" in recent years. As someone who was fairly popular in my childhood and throughout my 20s and early 30s it has been a shock to my system (and my ego) that I now often find myself with nobody to connect to. I used to spend my time surrounded by people who made me feel loved and valued. I had friends that I knew I could count on should I ever need them. Friends who spent hours on the phone with me when I was happy, or sad, or just needing to chat. Friends who sought me out as someone with whom they wanted to spend time with. Friends who shared recipes, inside jokes, and deep secrets. Now I can't even think of one person I would feel comfortable calling in an emergency. How the fuck did I get here?
Anyone who reads my facebook posts knows that I can't seem to figure out how to find/make/keep friends these days. Ok, so I can usually find and make them, but keeping them has proven to be challenging. I have this pattern of finding a friend, getting super close to them, then somehow having the relationship crash and burn. It's caused me to question a lot about myself and what my definition of friendship is. Do I expect too much from a friend? Do I make unreasonable demands? Do I smell? What's most bizarre is that when I think back to the times when I was most popular, I was not a great friend myself. Yet, now that I've grown and matured and am someone who is willing to give so much of myself to a friendship, nobody seems to want to take it. Wait, that's not true. People are willing to take it, but just not seemingly willing to give anything in return. And THIS is where the problem lies. I know that you aren't supposed to give just to receive, but I've decided that mantra doesn't apply to friendships. I think if you give in a friendship, then you should expect and demand that you receive. Is that selfish? I don't think so. It would be selfish if you gave nothing and expected anything in return. Of course, things get sort of murky when you think about how to place value on what each person gives and takes. But the beauty of genuine friendship is that there doesn't have to be a tit for tat mentality. It's a shared sense that each person gives and takes in a way that makes the other person feel good. If I am the one who is consistently reaching out and the only time we connect is when I do so, it's not a good friendship. If I am the one who is always asking to get together and you are always too busy, or even worse, you make then cancel plans on a regular basis, it's not a good friendship. If you repeatedly promise me you are going to do something and never do, it's not a good friendship. Sadly, these are the experiences I have been having recently. And if that means my demands are too high, then so be it. I'd rather have no friends then a lot who consistently hurt me.
Look, I get that life happens. People get married, have kids, work jobs, etc. But my kind of friend makes time to connect. My kind of friend values the joy that comes from knowing there is someone out there who is dealing with all those things yet still finds time to let you know they are thinking of you. I haven't always been a good friend, but now I think I'm one of the best you can have, but I'm no longer willing to be one if you are not. And perhaps that is why I feel friendless these days.
Also, Facebook destroys relationships. Which is why I'm hell bent on getting off of there for a while. Stay tuned for my blog post on that...
Anyone who reads my facebook posts knows that I can't seem to figure out how to find/make/keep friends these days. Ok, so I can usually find and make them, but keeping them has proven to be challenging. I have this pattern of finding a friend, getting super close to them, then somehow having the relationship crash and burn. It's caused me to question a lot about myself and what my definition of friendship is. Do I expect too much from a friend? Do I make unreasonable demands? Do I smell? What's most bizarre is that when I think back to the times when I was most popular, I was not a great friend myself. Yet, now that I've grown and matured and am someone who is willing to give so much of myself to a friendship, nobody seems to want to take it. Wait, that's not true. People are willing to take it, but just not seemingly willing to give anything in return. And THIS is where the problem lies. I know that you aren't supposed to give just to receive, but I've decided that mantra doesn't apply to friendships. I think if you give in a friendship, then you should expect and demand that you receive. Is that selfish? I don't think so. It would be selfish if you gave nothing and expected anything in return. Of course, things get sort of murky when you think about how to place value on what each person gives and takes. But the beauty of genuine friendship is that there doesn't have to be a tit for tat mentality. It's a shared sense that each person gives and takes in a way that makes the other person feel good. If I am the one who is consistently reaching out and the only time we connect is when I do so, it's not a good friendship. If I am the one who is always asking to get together and you are always too busy, or even worse, you make then cancel plans on a regular basis, it's not a good friendship. If you repeatedly promise me you are going to do something and never do, it's not a good friendship. Sadly, these are the experiences I have been having recently. And if that means my demands are too high, then so be it. I'd rather have no friends then a lot who consistently hurt me.
Look, I get that life happens. People get married, have kids, work jobs, etc. But my kind of friend makes time to connect. My kind of friend values the joy that comes from knowing there is someone out there who is dealing with all those things yet still finds time to let you know they are thinking of you. I haven't always been a good friend, but now I think I'm one of the best you can have, but I'm no longer willing to be one if you are not. And perhaps that is why I feel friendless these days.
Also, Facebook destroys relationships. Which is why I'm hell bent on getting off of there for a while. Stay tuned for my blog post on that...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)