I lie to my kid and I highly recommend it.

Today was my daughter's first day of 5th grade.  Typically she likes to sleep late, but today she woke up early with a giant smile on her face.  She dressed herself in her special first day of school outfit, did her own hair, and admired herself in the mirror for a while.  She skipped breakfast out of pure excitement and headed to the bus stop with a skip in her step and her new backpack hung off one shoulder.  While waiting for the bus she danced and posed for pictures with the other kids there.  When the bus arrived she confidentially got on with her head held high and a huge grin.  All the while I was fighting back tears and the urge to grab her and say "NO, don't go!"  When I came home I spent a long time looking through the pictures I had taken and thinking about the events of the morning.  I felt so grateful that my child had such a positive attitude on what could be considered a somewhat nerve-wracking situation and then I realized...it's because I've been lying to her all summer! 

Ok, so maybe not out and out lying, but I've been hiding the truth from her...well, MY truth anyway.  I've never once told her how sad I am that she's going into her last year of elementary school.  Or that I'm anxious that she won't be able to find a seat on the bus, or at lunch, or  be able to keep up with homework, or stand up for herself against the "mean girls". She has no inkling that I worry that some boy won't like her back and she will suffer her first heartbreak.  I never let on that I'm going to miss having her stay up late with me and cuddle on the couch while watching Project Runway or Rupaul's Drag Race, and that I'm REALLY going to miss letting her sleep in until 10:00 each morning.  Instead we spent lots of time over the past couple of months celebrating this milestone.  We giggled as she struck model poses while we shopped for clothing that fits in with her "new me" style.  We went out for ice cream where I shared stories of the wonderful experiences I had in my 5th grade year,  "You're going to RULE THE SCHOOL!"  I kept telling her.  I surrounded her with love and support and kept my own anxieties and negative feelings hidden from her.  Today I realized what a gift my lying has been to her.

As someone who is strongly committed to an "honesty is best" lifestyle, I struggled to accept that purposely keeping the truth from my child is the right approach.  I also firmly believe that feelings should be shared, not repressed. But, as I looked through the photos of her smiling face and confident manner from this morning I was reassured that I'm making the right choices.  As I analyze this, I can't help but think back to my own childhood.  It's difficult for me to make any disparaging remarks about my mother because I consider her to have been an amazing parent and she tragically died when I was only 25.  However, I now recognize that I carried around a lot of anxiety as a direct result of her inability to hide her feelings from me.  When she worried (which was often) she let me know.  She'd say things like, "Kerry Lynne, I would just die if anything bad happened to you."  That's a lot of pressure to put on a child!  She had me scared of being kidnapped, raped, lost at the mall, run over by a truck, struck by lightning, bitten by a dog, or given an apple with a razor in it on Halloween.  I'm not sure if she was unable to keep her feelings hidden or if she just chose not to, and I can't ask her now, but either way it was a lot to handle for my little mind.  I don't want to do that to my child.  I don't want to put my angst onto her.  I want to giver her a chance to become a positive, secure, confident human being.  Now, this isn't to say that when she comes to me and is sad, scared, or worried that I will not console her and let her know that I understand, but I'm not going to give her my sadness, fear, or worry.  I'll save that to share on facebook.