I have really struggled with the concept of "friendship" in recent years. As someone who was fairly popular in my childhood and throughout my 20s and early 30s it has been a shock to my system (and my ego) that I now often find myself with nobody to connect to. I used to spend my time surrounded by people who made me feel loved and valued. I had friends that I knew I could count on should I ever need them. Friends who spent hours on the phone with me when I was happy, or sad, or just needing to chat. Friends who sought me out as someone with whom they wanted to spend time with. Friends who shared recipes, inside jokes, and deep secrets. Now I can't even think of one person I would feel comfortable calling in an emergency. How the fuck did I get here?
Anyone who reads my facebook posts knows that I can't seem to figure out how to find/make/keep friends these days. Ok, so I can usually find and make them, but keeping them has proven to be challenging. I have this pattern of finding a friend, getting super close to them, then somehow having the relationship crash and burn. It's caused me to question a lot about myself and what my definition of friendship is. Do I expect too much from a friend? Do I make unreasonable demands? Do I smell? What's most bizarre is that when I think back to the times when I was most popular, I was not a great friend myself. Yet, now that I've grown and matured and am someone who is willing to give so much of myself to a friendship, nobody seems to want to take it. Wait, that's not true. People are willing to take it, but just not seemingly willing to give anything in return. And THIS is where the problem lies. I know that you aren't supposed to give just to receive, but I've decided that mantra doesn't apply to friendships. I think if you give in a friendship, then you should expect and demand that you receive. Is that selfish? I don't think so. It would be selfish if you gave nothing and expected anything in return. Of course, things get sort of murky when you think about how to place value on what each person gives and takes. But the beauty of genuine friendship is that there doesn't have to be a tit for tat mentality. It's a shared sense that each person gives and takes in a way that makes the other person feel good. If I am the one who is consistently reaching out and the only time we connect is when I do so, it's not a good friendship. If I am the one who is always asking to get together and you are always too busy, or even worse, you make then cancel plans on a regular basis, it's not a good friendship. If you repeatedly promise me you are going to do something and never do, it's not a good friendship. Sadly, these are the experiences I have been having recently. And if that means my demands are too high, then so be it. I'd rather have no friends then a lot who consistently hurt me.
Look, I get that life happens. People get married, have kids, work jobs,
etc. But my kind of friend makes time to connect. My kind of friend
values the joy that comes from knowing there is someone out there who is dealing with all those things yet still finds time to let you know they are
thinking of you. I haven't always been a good friend, but now I think I'm one of the best you can have, but I'm no longer willing to be one if you are not. And perhaps that is why I feel friendless these days.
Also, Facebook destroys relationships. Which is why I'm hell bent on getting off of there for a while. Stay tuned for my blog post on that...
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